How Not to Get Discouraged with Online Dating
I hear it all the time: “I’m so over online dating.”
And I won’t debate it; the struggle is real. I have a blast writing about it for a living, but the endless swiping and small-talk texting even gets to me sometimes.
Online dating can be exhausting when you’ve spent hours on an app looking at mind-numbing profiles that all blend together. Or—even worse—you keep matching with people only to have painfully boring conversations that lead nowhere.
The nail in the coffin: getting ghosted. Get ghosted more than once, and you might even swear off online dating altogether.
I urge you not to do that, though. There are still diamonds in the rough, and if you power through the painful parts of the process, you’ll eventually find one.
So how do you persevere when online dating starts to feel like a barren wasteland you’re not sure you can spend another day in?
Here are my seven best tips for how not to get discouraged with online dating:
1. Have Patience
You’re probably rolling your eyes already, but bear with me. I have more actionable tips below, but I believe you need to adjust your mindset first.
If it were easy to find a boyfriend or girlfriend, everyone would have one, right? So, you can’t go into online dating thinking that you’re going to find your next significant other overnight.
You’ve likely turned to online dating because you’ve exhausted your options in everyday life (or because you’re virtual dating due to COVID-19). Well, you’re right that going virtual is a great way to broaden your pool of potential suitors. However, it’s important to keep in mind that dating apps and sites can be even more overwhelming than dating in the real world!
Why? Because humans are notoriously bad at making decisions. Put someone on a dating app with thousands of profiles to swipe through, and they’re going to be very reluctant to stick with anyone. Why settle when the next best person could be just one more swipe away?
The key to not getting discouraged with online dating is remembering all of this and acting accordingly. Don’t expect to be the only person someone is talking to if you’re also talking to lots of others.
Put in effort to stand out and make a solid impression so you don’t become just another profile or message in the crowd.
2. Log In More Often
I don’t have proof of this, but I’ve noticed a pattern, and it makes sense. Whenever I log into a dating app, I immediately see a spike in my likes and messages.
I assume this is because it makes me appear on lists like “Online Now” if your dating app of choice has such a thing. Even if it doesn’t, I believe the technology is advanced enough to prioritize the profiles of users who sign in more often.
Think about it: If someone doesn’t sign in a lot, the site wouldn’t want to show that profile as much because that person would be less likely to log in and respond to their matches/messages. Sites want their users to connect, so it’s in their best interest to prioritize linking active users.
Even better is that if you’re an active user, more active users will match with you as well. Matching with a more active user ups your chances of getting messages and responses from that person since they have a track record of site activity.
So, if you want to get more traction with online dating, regularly log in, swipe, and message.
Bonus: The more you do something, the better you get at it. Practice makes perfect, right? Using the apps more often will also help you start noticing patterns of what works and what doesn’t, so your dating game will naturally improve.
3. Set Goals
Dating is a numbers game. You’re not likely to match with every profile you like, and you won’t hit it off with every person you message.
To not get discouraged with online dating, give yourself the best chance to find someone you vibe with by setting some goals. Just make sure they are realistic so you don’t burn out or become disappointed.
Here’s what I recommend:
Log in at least once a day. As I mentioned above, this puts the site’s algorithm in your favor.
Swipe through at least ten profiles daily. If you don’t “like” anyone in the ten, keep going until you find one you’d like to match with.
Send (or respond to) at least two messages daily. I challenge any girl with inboxes full of unanswered messages to respond to a few each day. Guys, if you have no messages to respond to, send some, but for the love of god, put in more effort than a simple “Hi, how are you?” or “You’re beautiful.”
I’m pretty picky and put a lot of weight on the first message I get, but I’ve recently challenged myself to reply to more basic first messages as well. First impressions aren’t always accurate. If you’re on the fence about someone, give them a chance to prove you wrong before you write them off.
You can accomplish all this in under 30 minutes a day. Do it while you’re on your lunch break, taking a walk, or in line at a store. You can also try spacing it out over the commercials of your favorite TV show. Finding the time is easy if you get a little creative.
We prioritize the things that matter to us. If you’re really serious about finding love, you’ll make it part of your daily routine.
Don’t say you’re discouraged with online dating if you haven’t actually been putting in the effort. More effort leads to more opportunities. Sure, they’ll be more failures, but they’ll also be more successes.
4. Evaluate Your Profile
Think about the kinds of matches and messages you’re getting. Do you feel they are in line with what you are looking for?
If not, try making some tweaks to your profile. People often like others who are similar to themselves. We tend to date people who we feel are on our same level physically and intellectually.
Here are a few examples of how to put this knowledge to work for you:
Looking for someone in great shape?
Post a picture of yourself in your workout gear or at the gym, or mention your diet/fitness routine in your bio.
Pro tip when it comes to this topic: Don’t be douche-y about showing off your physique. Bathroom selfies showing off your abs are totally cringe. If you have a great body, we can tell — even when your clothes are on. Aim for something more natural, like a shot of you running a 5K, hiking, surfing, or dancing.
Want a musically inclined match?
Include a picture with your instrument of choice or from a concert or karaoke night.
Are you Team Apple Music or Spotify? What are your top 3 favorite songs of all time? Best concert experience? Share any of these answers in your profile!
Maybe you’ve been getting good matches but are struggling to get conversations going?
Well, what are some topics you could talk about for hours? Make sure to mention a few of those in your profile. This can be as simple as one sentence that says, “Ask me about how much I love ____,” or “A few of my favorite things are _____, _____, and _____.”
Doing this will increase the quality of your matches and conversations. Blank profiles or very generic descriptions, such as “I’m super laid back and just looking for a cool person to spend time with,” make it almost impossible for someone to tell if they can connect with you.
And with nothing to go on, all a person can really say to you is “Hey, how are you?” which gives you nothing to go on either. Too many boring, dead-end conversations are a recipe for how get discouraged with online dating.
5. Adjust Your Filters
If you live in a more rural area or are using a less popular dating app, you may feel like you’ve exhausted all your options. You might be seeing the same profiles over and over and not receiving any new matches or messages.
When this happens, the best thing you can do is adjust your filters.
Try adding an extra five or ten miles to your distance parameters.
Maybe you set your age range preference to 25–30. Try expanding it to 24–31. An extra year in your age gap isn’t a big deal if you truly vibe with someone.
Do the same thing with any height preferences. If you meet the perfect person, but they’re an inch shorter than you’d ideally like, is that really going to be a deal breaker? I’m only five feet tall, and my first boyfriend was actually shorter than me. Seriously. And you know what? He was awesome, and we’re still friends to this day. Sometimes, perfect doesn’t look how you think it will. Open your mind. Expand your horizons.
A few simple changes like this can result in hundreds of new prospects.
If this hack doesn’t help, it may be time to consider a new dating app or site. Hinge, OkCupid, and Coffee Meets Bagel are the ones I currently like best.
6. Don’t Let Texts Go On for TOO Long
Maybe you’re successful at matching with people and starting conversations, but you’re getting discouraged with online dating because you can’t seem to line up any actual dates.
This is actually one of my biggest dating pet peeves these days. It seems like many people just want to make small talk over text for days or weeks before disappearing without a trace. What is the point of that?
Whether you are the guy or the girl or are more dominant or submissive, you need to develop the confidence to ask out people you are interested in. As I’ve mentioned already, people are easily distracted by all their options. Make a move quickly to ensure they don’t forget about you.
Case in point: I’m currently dating a very dominant dude, and you know what? I asked him out on our first virtual date. And he thought my confidence in doing so was refreshing and sexy!
So, if you feel the texting veering off into small talk purgatory, don’t be scared to make the move! Ask for a virtual or in-person date. The other person will likely be relieved to know the pressure is off them to make the move (or make more small talk), and they’ll be flattered you want to go out with them.
7. Let Rejection Roll Off You
And on the off chance you ask someone out and they say no…then what?
Take a few minutes to evaluate what happened and see if you can spot any mistakes you made that can help you improve. But when I say a few minutes, I mean a few minutes. Do not overanalyze things and get in your head about this.
The person said no, so for whatever reason, they don’t think you are a good match. Do you really want to date someone who doesn’t think you’re a good match? The answer is probably no, and that’s all the reason you need to move on.
Remember that the people you’re chatting with are likely chatting with others too and continuing to swipe through matches. It takes a really electric connection and good timing to keep someone’s focus on you. When a conversation fizzles out, it could be for any number of reasons that have nothing to do with you personally.
Did they get super sick and stop logging in for a few days? Maybe an ex came back into the picture. A job offer in another city could have finally come through. The point is that everyone’s lives and wants can change at the drop of a hat.
Even if it was something about you that they didn’t like, so what? No one pleases everyone. You have to recognize that and accept it. The more you online date, the more rejection you will get, so you have to be realistic and develop thick skin.
Remember that success doesn’t happen quickly. Most of the world’s most renowned people failed dozens or even hundreds of times before they achieved success. What if they had given up when things got discouraging? If you delete the app and throw in the towel, you’re undoubtedly depriving many awesome people the chance to get to know you.
It’s taken a lot of years for me to get here, but I am very confident. And I still get rejected too! I’ve just learned how not to get discouraged with online dating by using all these tips. I know I am still a great catch for a large number of people. The person who rejected me just didn’t happen to fall into that category. Okay, no prob. I’m just gonna jam out to some “thank u, next” and keep on swiping, my friends! You should do the same.
